From Shame to Peace;
counselling and caring for the
sexually abused
ISBN 978-90-5719-038-4 / 292 pages / PaperbackAuthor: Teo van der Weele
Publisher: Importantia Publishing
Price: € 14,95 / us$ 19,95
Introduction
Never before in history have so many people witnessed waves of violence, while it happens. Most of us see it through 45-second segments of TV newscasts, but the experience of watching live TV images pales beside the experience of being there. When I see refugee children staring into nothingness or see their subtitled stories of brutalities, an unseen hand turns back my clock to the carnage of World War II. It is not the masses which suffer, but millions of frightened individuals. Who will hold the hand of a child trembling because of the nightmares following the genocide in Rwanda? How many trauma therapists should we send to the former Yugoslavia? Where can people squashed by dictatorial systems turn? Who will put courage into a child’s heart in the jungles of the inner-cities of the West, where weapons now enter into American gradeschools? Eclipsed by all this visible violence, there is a further hidden world: children who suffer from mental, emotional and physical violence by family members or carers. At its darkest this evolves into the worst violence of all: sexual traumatisation while the personality still is being formed: early– childhood sexual abuse.
Over the past years, scores of new books have been published about helping survivors of sexual abuse and incest. As John Briere (1992) shows, suffering early childhood trauma and lack of positive caring can deeply twist or fragment one’s personality, resulting in a variety of psychiatric labels. Several dangers arise for those who suffered ‘abuse of power’: they may live in denial; become the captive of a specialist-helper; or be so focused on the traumatising events that they become locked into an unchangeable past. Two thousand years ago Nicodemus realised that he was in trouble. In one of the rare private talks which Jesus had, he came ‘into the light’ and was willing to stop denial. He realised that the past can’t be undone: it is impossible to return to your mother’s womb. Jesus’ answer is still valid for today: only an infusion of life ‘from Above’, as an ongoing process, opens a door to the future.
Through coaching people how to help themselves, I have seen how such an infusion of life can empower survivors of abuse to choose a new destiny.
In this book I try to explain how pastoral volunteers, as coaches, can encourage this process in those who suffered child sexual abuse or any other debilitating trauma. While individual western psychotherapy can be effective, it is only available for the affluent. A pastoral approach opens up possibilities which psychotherapy cannot afford: team-work by volunteers and healing communities. Also, this approach does not depend on digging into the past or the need to do much talking. This makes the training of pastoral volunteers more feasible too.
My own understanding about trauma treatment grew as a missionary in Asia, where I had to learn to help people who came with deeply-felt personal needs, but were unable to talk about it. The intense sense of shame would make disclosure of deep personal needs perhaps more painful than the abuse itself. It is there that I realised that the gospel can set people free from a life ruled by shame, and bring them to the inner tranquillity of the peace of God, even if they have no words to express their thoughts and feelings.
Back in the Netherlands I discovered a ‘hidden people group’ whose life was shaped by a culture of sexual abuse. My missionary experience provided keys to enter their world. While they taught me their language and thoughtworld, an approach developed which I call ‘Powerful Peace’ – a divine enabling for both helpers and seekers to face reality, supported by an inner sense of security, through the presence of Jesus. In this approach the starting point is not the traumas, but the possibility of an experience of Shalom; the grace and peace of God which became the cornerstone of the ministry of the apostle Paul. Empowered by that presence, painful realities can be faced, if they come to the surface. This can happen alone before God, together with other believers, or in the counselling room. On the other hand there is grace in nature as well, by his personal intervention, that some memories do not surface at all. This empowerment seems to speed up the healing process in comparison to more traditional methods.
As a male counsellor, I have been very grateful that where men were the abusers, other men can be used to bring healing. As a pastoral counsellor it is gratifying to see that the church, which was unable – or unwilling – to see what went on among its own, is waking up as well. The extent of the problem is, I believe, not yet fully known, because denial and silence still very much keep a grip on people’s lives. I anticipate an upsurge in the known cases of male survivors, as men cease their denials of early sexual abuse. It is also more and more evident that abuse is not done just by male offenders. Men and women are coming forward who have been abused by females, both inside the immediate family as well as those in the role of guardian, kindergarten workers, hospital nurses, baby sitters, etc. Up till nine years ago, I had only met two incest survivors who asked for pastoral help. Now there have been several hundred. I believe the difference is because:
- Secular literature opened my eyes to what was happening.
- I found that my pastoral approach was in harmony with caring principles which I found in existing research on child sexual abuse. I could benefit from the many insights others developed, and this encouraged me to continue.
- The growth of pastoral counselling has enabled hidden survivors to ‘come out’ and seek pastoral help. The idea of going to a professional counsellor is too great a step.
- As an itinerant teacher in lay counselling, I have discovered that people find it easier to open their hearts to a trusted outsider - a kind of travelling garbage-can. I have also encouraged cross-church counselling, in which abused people of one church obtain help from pastoral workers of another church. In this way they can return to their own church, without the past still hanging around them. This resulted in many invitations of pastors to deal with hurting people in their church, without the need for the pastor to know details.
This last aspect has been insufficiently understood in Protestant circles, where the anonymity of the confessional booth has been lost. There are issues that church members will never talk about, unless it is to a respected stranger. Therefore the demand for non-local church-based Christian counselling is soaring.
The church is a latecomer in the abuse counselling field. In one way I am glad that secular studies provided us with many facts, figures and insights before we opened our mouths on the subject. Too often the church tends to give answers before we even hear the questions people are asking. The aim of this book is to reassure abuse survivors that they are not crazy; that their lifestyle and value system, the ‘culture of abuse’, is common; that there are ways ‘to help oneself’; and that an infusion of life from Above can work effectively in everyday life.
I hope that baffled spouses of abuse survivors find some insight into the confusing world of their partner. For most of them, they have already had an heroic struggle to cope and they deserve a medal! In a similar way to co-dependents of alcoholics, they often develop a lifestyle which helps them adjust to the special needs and demands of their partner. Tensions building up, in a similar way to a pending earthquake, can send minor shocks as warning signals or suddenly explode, tearing families apart. Also, the effect of this adjusted lifestyle often goes on from generation to generation. Then I hope that pastors and church leaders will be encouraged to seek ways to equip believers for effective ministry in a violent world. As we live in a complex society where caring sciences have developed rapidly, I also hope that they can discover ways in which church workers and pastoral volunteers can work together in harmony with secular helpers.
The fact that I encourage volunteers to do what they are best at, encouraging empowerment of abuse survivors, does not mean that specialist helpers are not needed. The opposite is true. The question is, how do we utilise specialists when there are so many who need help? Training, supporting and supervising volunteers appears to me to be one vital answer.
Therefore I hope that this book will give some understanding to secular helpers about questions faced by abuse survivors with a Christian background. A major cross-cultural counselling principle – understanding and respect for different value-systems – is vital for a helpful co-operation between pastoral counsellors and mental health professionals. In this way I have seen positive outcomes from referrals of clients to secular helpers who were able to accept Christian values as parameters for the helping process. More attention to this could eradicate unnecessary barriers which Christians often experience as they face psychological needs without Christian professional health workers to help, and are unwilling to go to secular helpers.
The church has a moral, and in some countries also a legal responsibility, to take measures to prevent child sexual abuse. Who is working with our children and young teens? Look for attitudes which show servanthood and respect, rather than manipulation and authority. This book will provide some suggestions as to how this can be done.
There are many more abusers than we know. Those who contacted me shared their fear of exposure and rejection. If you once were involved or still battle with this, don’t give up hope either. Knowing intellectually that something is wrong is insufficient; one needs to feel the pain. As Alice Miller has shown, to discover one’s own pain is often the first step towards healing. I hope that some of what I write about ‘God who comes in our pain’ will point a way to a new future.
In Chapter One I introduce one of the toughest problems of abuse survivors: how to deal with the recurring nightmares, the flashbacks, and how memory can become our enemy. I propose the idea of ‘Powerful Peace’ and how just being there as helpers can be a great help in itself. How to be a good listener is stressed in Chapter Two which invites you to walk along with some of those who shared their story, including some parts of my own traumatic past. Again there is a focus on hope and how churches can start to become healing centres. In Chapter Three definitions and concepts about child sexual abuse and incest are presented. Chapter Four gives attention to major trends which we can observe in the culture of sexual abuse. Variations of responses between male and female victims, as well as the introvert/extrovert differences also receive attention. With more insight into the culture of the sexually abused, Chapter Five explains how one can cross cultural barriers to understand and counsel abuse survivors.
A rather personal excursion into the question of ‘Where is God when people suffer?’ can be found in Chapter Six. It would be presumptuous to say that this is a definitive statement. It is more a testimony of how common sense and faith in a God who still suffers himself have helped me not to turn a deaf ear to those who feel that God deserted them and the church betrayed them. Chapter Seven shows how culture, once designed to help people to survive and thrive, can become an agent of oppression. When a person is stuck in a cultural jail, there is still the possibility of inner freedom, whatever the social conditions are. After centuries of historic failures of the church (as well as secular caring systems) there is now a better understanding of the plight of survivors of abuse, but are people in leadership willing to consider that they might be part of an abusive system? In Chapter Eight I affirm the priesthood of all believers and the right as well as the duty of believers to stand next to those who hurt. As pastoral volunteers often stand closer to seekers of help, they can form a bridge to professional workers.
Based on the insights developed in the previous chapters the last chapters are devoted to practical issues. Chapter Nine focuses on the power of symbolism, including the power of our self-image. Victims, or survivors who learn to thrive, which will it be? In Chapter Ten I take you along to Thailand where we learned to minister in situations where shame would prevent people from speaking out. The expectancy of the presence of God and the possibility of having an inner dialogue with him, where we could not touch, became a foundation stone of our ministry. The power of ‘prayers of blessing’ and the effect which the peace of God can have is the topic of Chapter Eleven. It is here that pastoral practice takes some novel routes to see how the impact of the peace of God on spirit, soul and body counteracts the pervasive shame. In Chapter Twelve the place of the church as a focus of ministry is affirmed. At the same time I work out the idea that feelings of shame often will keep people away from pastoral workers whom they know and will continue to meet. In Chapter Thirteen the practical problems of preventing and responding to sexual abuse within the church are discussed. Chapter Fourteen has as its title the prayer of many a concerned parent: ‘Please God, not my child’. How does one respond when child sexual abuse is suspected or did occur? In a closing reflection I appeal for biblical realism, but within a framework of hope.
Where sin abounds, so is God’s grace available to counter sin. While the church has been silent for centuries in an abusive society, it can make choices to evaluate the way in which we deal with each other. In a spirit of servanthood, we can affect the abusive systems around us, in our own homes, in schools and in the workplace, in the refugee camps and slums of this world, or in any other place where violence abounds.
My approach to ministry has been greatly influenced by the books of that eminent ‘doctor of the soul’ Dr Paul Tournier. I just happened to pick up a book by him in the fifties and his gracious approach became instrumental in slowly peeling away the layers of legalism of my strict Calvinistic upbringing. In one of his last books The Violence Within, he accurately forecast the increase of violence which we face today. His observation was that when people increase in power, the inner moral voice is stifled. Thus abuse of power grows, at times rising to the level of unthinkable atrocities. These are sobering words for those who seek ‘empowerment’ for ministry, especially in view of the endless reports of abusive pastoral care, including sexual abuse! Tournier’s medicine, a spirit of servanthood, echoes the antidote to power abuse which Jesus gave. I hope that this book will somehow continue this echo.
Summer 1994, Harderwijk, The Netherlands
The text of this article is taken from From Shame to Peace - Counseling and caring for the sexually abused
Content
Foreword
Acknowledgements
Introduction
Chapter 1 - The memory problem.
Chapter 2 - Walking in the shadows
Chapter 3 - Starting Points and Definition of Concept
Chapter 4 - The Culture of Child Sexual Abuse
Chapter 5 - Missionaries in the Culture of Abuse
Chapter 6 - Why God?
Chapter 7 - Captives of a Culture
Chapter 8 - The Church and the Culture of Abuse
Chapter 9 - From Victims to Skilled Survivors
Chapter 10 - Powerful Peace
Chapter 11 - From Shame to Peace
Chapter 12 - Powerful Peace through the Church
Chapter 13 - 'Please God, not in the Church...'
Chapter 14 - 'Please God, not my Child...'
Epilogue: Biblical Realism
Bibliography
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